Pedigree Chums
The trials and tribulations of man’s best friend
I’m an endangered species at my local park — I owned a dog before March 2020. Before COVID, my mutt happily walked through her domain chasing squirrels and trying to invite herself to strangers’ picnics. Then the contagion took over and dogs I’d never seen before were walked 5 times a day.
So what happened? Although it wouldn’t surprise me if COVID were a canine conspiracy to keep owners home all day, there’s been a definite change in the park. When I look at my dog, in my completely unbiased opinion, she’s a perfect addition to the family. Yet, though she’s never attacked another dog or human, people treat her with contempt. In my government mandated trips to the park I’ve observed a few social tribes emerge that perhaps reflect more about the owners than the canines.
- The Stepford Dogs: Their owners look at me in barely concealed horror that my dog is neither cocker nor poo. Bought primarily for Instagram purposes, the Stepford dogs seem like they’ve had to go through lobotomies as they’re forbidden from showing any facial expression other than dopy contentment. This is in spite of the fact that the owners don’t believe they should get dirty, play or bark — in other words be a dog.
- #Baller: These dogs just want to finally train their humans and getting them to throw the ball seems like a way to do it. If you see owners with plastic sticks and raincoats whatever the weather, it’s likely their dog is one of these obsessive types trying to keep them in the park all day. These dogs firmly believe dog training is infinitely less important than human training.
- Semi-Professional Park Clean-Up Service: Do you own a lab? These dogs smell food from a mile away and nothing on the ground, lower branches of a tree or in your hand is safe from them. You will find them running to you from the other side of the park because they can smell the treats that you’d forgotten you’d left in your coat.
- The “Skinny Dog is A Sad Dog” tribe: Once these dogs were starved and sad. Not anymore. In the tradition of the Italian mafia, these dogs waddle around contentedly with their owners sure that they’ll get their 50% cut at every mealtime. They’re not bothered about stealing other dogs food as they’re guaranteed never to go hungry. However…
